one_note | [popdrop

I will listen.

...

Do not think yourself a burden. For having them.

It's not really thinking I'm a burden...

[but he trails off, looking out to the clouds and trying to get the words in the right order.]

I don't think I need to go over the one about you and gege coming onto Mint. That one does involve you, and it's a pretty specific scenario. I want to try to focus on the fact that you both made your choices, but I guess I just wish it could have gone better? But then... if you had managed to get me to Lollipop, the situation with Mora might have gotten worse? She's told me before that she wouldn't take my leaving quietly, so maybe it's better this way.

... but it still feels a bit like... the Wens. Trying to maintain that balance and still having--Wen Ning, Wen Qing... taking my place in punishment. It feels a bit like that. It's probably not actually like that at all, since I'm also here and experience the same things, but that's where my mind goes, and that's not really fair to you or gege. It's just my own issues making it worse.

. . .

[his throat feels very tight. he is indeed listening, taking in Wei Wuxian's reasoning, but they are speaking now of things he could only speculate at, a decade and more gone; things he was mostly only present at for the disastrous aftermath. he can only squeeze out three words, at first.]

"Taking your place."

It's not the same. Logically, I know that. But when Mora starts pulling her antics on gege, too... when the games end with us dying and likely because of the impression of others because of how things were at the start before you were on Mint... it can start to feel a little like... I'm the one who brought it about. Because you both just wanted to help me get out of the situation I was in.

I don't really know how to fix that fear. So I focus on the fact that you both knowingly made that choice for yourselves. Do what I can to make those moments happen less.

[breathes, deliberately keeping his hands still in his lap. he is not as calmed from their earlier talk as he thought he was.]

And it is fine if it is you?

No.

[says it pretty decisively as he looks back to him.]

I might be able to handle that better, but that doesn't make it fine, either. I know if it's me, it hurts others--hurts you. But it doesn't mean I want that or it's okay that it's like that. When it's the other way...

[he pauses, hesitates.]

... don't tell gege, but Mora was actually the one who told me what she did to him, and I very nearly slit her throat open for it. She'd probably find that funny, so I didn't but I did start thinking of ways to make her hurt.

I'm just not... rational. When it's people I care about.

[and certain deaths mentioned in that game also kind of gives away his reactions...]

You are not.

[he didn't need the game to know that unequivocal truth; he was there, at Nightless City.]

We are all human. It is not always reason.

If things are not fine, do not make light of them.

[who remembers details about Nightless City? NOT THIS GUY!!

but he is quiet at that last part because that sure is a habit he has.]

... I'll try.

[exhales...]

Will always listen.

Sanren told me of his problem with Mora, as well.

I figured he might have, but it's good that he did. Mora...

[... hnnnng, words.]

You're on pretty good terms with her, but she can make it difficult. She and I have a kind of understanding at this point but I think gege sees it more like my just accepting what she does. I don't mind if he sees it like that, but it's really not. I'm not really sure what I would have done if it was more than just potions and questions...

... I did make her drink the purple one out of spite. I know she hates telling the truth, so.

[shrugs.]

Deals with each of us differently.

[he wonders if Mora would treat them as she treats him, if they did not make a dance out of their pains and secrets. it is entirely possible. but he is not them, and they are not him. as well ask the sun to shine at night.]

Were you ever made truly unhappy again, beyond repairing, I would bet again.

[he's only quiet this time because his heart's in his throat and he's a little bit worried that he'll end up blurting out things that would only make the situation at Mint rockier. maybe. since when was he so eager to share all the things?!

he wants to say "that's not likely to happen. you're here." but literally they just talked about not making light of Not Fine situations.

and oops, he misses his turn while fidgeting about whether he should finally confess to what happened or not.]

[does he? Lan Wangji is nothing if not comfortable with long silences.

instead of trying to break it at once, he only reaches out and takes Wei Wuxian's hand.]

[the little jump at having his hand taken is really less because of a surprise and more because oh right, he should be talking. he adjusts his hand to squeeze Lan Wangji's.]

I want to say "that won't happen, since you're here", but I don't want you to think I'm making light of things or being flippant. It's really true. And the things that made me unhappy before, in this place... I'm still unhappy about them, but it's easier if there's someone I trust here.

I can't trust someone like Mora. She pushed it too far that one game with the hostages. And I think she's been careful not to do that again, but that's why I really can't, you know?

[low, fingers steady and warm around his]

Saw your hostage. I remember.

To mistrust is natural. She does not think as we do. I do not expect it.

[he debates bringing up dreaming Mora's dream; feeling her strange thought processes as they played out in his head; the bloody mathematics of a youkai's existence alongside Mora's own emotional disastrousness; her teeth blunt in his throat. no, he decides. something simpler.]

Asked her not to kill those on other teams. Do not know if she will renege, should Mint be threatened. But did not think her disagreement false.

[shakes his head.]

I'm more worried about what will happen to Mint if someone tries to get in her way. During that game, nothing was working. She talked Lily into using her own painful memories to try to make him cry. When that didn't work, she used the knife. But it wasn't working, and he wasn't someone who deserved that.

So I grabbed her to make her stop--it was easier because she was human, but because she was human, she lashed out. Went for my throat with the knife. Lily turned her into a frog before she could reach me, but I wasn't in a place to react quickly except for going for my own blade.

And then, after, when I went back to Mint before I went to Lollipop, she'd done that ritual to become a youkai again. Pinned me down and said that her "show of strength" was her apology--there was a corpse in the basement, so I used that but I think I only got away because her point had been made.

[his hold on Wei Wuxian's hand tightens, becomes almost crushing in itself; and then he catches himself, and it relaxes immediately. Wei Ying, he almost says.]

Do you worry? Or do you fear her?

[there's a bit of a flinch when the grip tightens but he quickly dismisses that in favor of furrowing his brow as he considers the question. clearly hasn't thought about it like this.]

I'm not afraid of her, but maybe what she might do? But I don't think she's stupid enough to make problems worse for herself unless it's a situation like that where she feels backed into a corner.

I don't hate her, either. I do think she wants to do well by Mint, but from the start I was someone who didn't... want to be trapped by something like teams in houses. And what I did, to her, seemed like more than that--me saying that person's life was more important than Scyl's or something. I don't know. I think it'd be easier if I did hate her.

Mm.

We all have limits. A difficult situation. No liberation, supression, and elimination.

[looks down at their joined hands, soothing his thumb over Wei Wuxian's in silent apology]

Not even a corpse mountain, for retreat.

But that's why she treats us differently. I mean, you and she have your own thing, too, but you and gege chose the scenario that brought you to Mint. I didn't. That's why...

[he trails off because there's the belated realization that this was also a part of that whole fearing what happens to those two because they're on Mint and he just didn't get it himself until just now.]

That's why.

Then choose again.

[small frown because wait, that's allowed??? but then he shifts a bit so he can lean against Lan Wangji's side.]

Think it'll help?

You are not happy. Neither of you are happy. Should that resolve it, I would entreat the fae until we suceeded. Fight her with you, when she comes.

[the words are very even, and very certain. he likes Mint; he likes Mora; that is a candleflame to the Wei Wuxians' forest fire. he is his own sort of monster, that way.]

[but this is also why he's so fucking gay for Lan Wangji.]

I'll work on it, then. I do like the people on Mint well enough.

[squeezes his hand.]

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