one_note | [popdrop

[that seems fine. it gives them a little more time to breathe.

when he reaches the edge of the island he can work his way around until he sees white and bright green through a screen of leaves at the outskirts of the garden. he'd be well-hidden otherwise; he's kneeling so still. the view is nice.]

[approaches like Lan Wangji is a rabbit that will skitter away if he's too noisy. and then just settles in kneeling next to him. the reality is probably the one feeling skittish is himself and he's already trying to think of what to say.]

--do you always come here?

[thank the gods words just come to him naturally and he asks what's probably a dumb question which is at least natural.]

[inclines his head a little in affirmative; his gaze slid sideways when Wei Wuxian showed up, from the cotton-candy clouds to his face]

I've only gone out this far a few times. Didn't really seem like there was much to see. The clouds get in the way of everything. Makes me think about what they might be hiding, things like that.

[he shifts a bit, already unable to keep still in the kneeling position.]

I guess it makes sense that you'd like it out here in that case, right?

It is quiet.

[it's not pointed; he's not trying to make commentary on Wei Wuxian's chatter.]

[he doesn't think it is, since Lan Wangji's never really objected to his chatter before--well, not without some kind of physical action to actually make him be quiet.]

Helps you get your thoughts in order?

... talking things out always helped me more with that. Not that that's surprising but, it can help me get different angles on things I might miss. Like...

[and since he can sit still to save his life, his hands are just picking at the threads of his clothes to give him something to focus on that's not fluffy pink.]

Gege aired out some of his frustrations with me for not talking things out properly after I snapped at him a little for trying to run off. I think we got to a better understanding with each other, but it also made it pretty clear that I was probably frustrating you, also. I shouldn't have missed that while it was happening, though.

It is not all you.

[he is trying, trying, trying to pick his limited words carefully, even now, trying not to bring this to a place where Wei Wuxian will leave or say something that sends Lan Wangji himself careening off like he did not an hour ago. he's so still in contrast it is hard to tell he's even breathing]

Nor frustration.

I have been afraid.

[his attention was already on Lan Wangji but that has him looking over with a mix of concern and surprise. the game gave away Lan Wangji has a number of fears but it's always surprising to hear him admit to it.]

... the things mentioned in the game? Your memory?

All. And more.

[lying is forbidden, but truth is complicated. distilled down, though, it comes to this: he does not want Wei Wuxian to leave, and he has lost the sure foundation he entered Popdrop with, that regardless of what is happening in the moment, Wei Wuxian will stay without being asked, commanded, restrained. Sanren's casual abandonment of Mint is part of it. Suibian's flippancy is part of it. Gusu is part of it. imposition is part of it. there being two of them makes this a larger and uglier knot.]

... will it help any if I explain my fears? Because... gege was saying that it sounded like they all involve you, but that's not it. Not really.

They're not like me being afraid of--of certain animals. It's... more complicated. Even gege doesn't really understand them and I don't blame him because I didn't understand them until this place.

I will listen.

...

Do not think yourself a burden. For having them.

It's not really thinking I'm a burden...

[but he trails off, looking out to the clouds and trying to get the words in the right order.]

I don't think I need to go over the one about you and gege coming onto Mint. That one does involve you, and it's a pretty specific scenario. I want to try to focus on the fact that you both made your choices, but I guess I just wish it could have gone better? But then... if you had managed to get me to Lollipop, the situation with Mora might have gotten worse? She's told me before that she wouldn't take my leaving quietly, so maybe it's better this way.

... but it still feels a bit like... the Wens. Trying to maintain that balance and still having--Wen Ning, Wen Qing... taking my place in punishment. It feels a bit like that. It's probably not actually like that at all, since I'm also here and experience the same things, but that's where my mind goes, and that's not really fair to you or gege. It's just my own issues making it worse.

. . .

[his throat feels very tight. he is indeed listening, taking in Wei Wuxian's reasoning, but they are speaking now of things he could only speculate at, a decade and more gone; things he was mostly only present at for the disastrous aftermath. he can only squeeze out three words, at first.]

"Taking your place."

It's not the same. Logically, I know that. But when Mora starts pulling her antics on gege, too... when the games end with us dying and likely because of the impression of others because of how things were at the start before you were on Mint... it can start to feel a little like... I'm the one who brought it about. Because you both just wanted to help me get out of the situation I was in.

I don't really know how to fix that fear. So I focus on the fact that you both knowingly made that choice for yourselves. Do what I can to make those moments happen less.

[breathes, deliberately keeping his hands still in his lap. he is not as calmed from their earlier talk as he thought he was.]

And it is fine if it is you?

No.

[says it pretty decisively as he looks back to him.]

I might be able to handle that better, but that doesn't make it fine, either. I know if it's me, it hurts others--hurts you. But it doesn't mean I want that or it's okay that it's like that. When it's the other way...

[he pauses, hesitates.]

... don't tell gege, but Mora was actually the one who told me what she did to him, and I very nearly slit her throat open for it. She'd probably find that funny, so I didn't but I did start thinking of ways to make her hurt.

I'm just not... rational. When it's people I care about.

[and certain deaths mentioned in that game also kind of gives away his reactions...]

You are not.

[he didn't need the game to know that unequivocal truth; he was there, at Nightless City.]

We are all human. It is not always reason.

If things are not fine, do not make light of them.

[who remembers details about Nightless City? NOT THIS GUY!!

but he is quiet at that last part because that sure is a habit he has.]

... I'll try.

[exhales...]

Will always listen.

Sanren told me of his problem with Mora, as well.

I figured he might have, but it's good that he did. Mora...

[... hnnnng, words.]

You're on pretty good terms with her, but she can make it difficult. She and I have a kind of understanding at this point but I think gege sees it more like my just accepting what she does. I don't mind if he sees it like that, but it's really not. I'm not really sure what I would have done if it was more than just potions and questions...

... I did make her drink the purple one out of spite. I know she hates telling the truth, so.

[shrugs.]

Deals with each of us differently.

[he wonders if Mora would treat them as she treats him, if they did not make a dance out of their pains and secrets. it is entirely possible. but he is not them, and they are not him. as well ask the sun to shine at night.]

Were you ever made truly unhappy again, beyond repairing, I would bet again.

[he's only quiet this time because his heart's in his throat and he's a little bit worried that he'll end up blurting out things that would only make the situation at Mint rockier. maybe. since when was he so eager to share all the things?!

he wants to say "that's not likely to happen. you're here." but literally they just talked about not making light of Not Fine situations.

and oops, he misses his turn while fidgeting about whether he should finally confess to what happened or not.]

[does he? Lan Wangji is nothing if not comfortable with long silences.

instead of trying to break it at once, he only reaches out and takes Wei Wuxian's hand.]

[the little jump at having his hand taken is really less because of a surprise and more because oh right, he should be talking. he adjusts his hand to squeeze Lan Wangji's.]

I want to say "that won't happen, since you're here", but I don't want you to think I'm making light of things or being flippant. It's really true. And the things that made me unhappy before, in this place... I'm still unhappy about them, but it's easier if there's someone I trust here.

I can't trust someone like Mora. She pushed it too far that one game with the hostages. And I think she's been careful not to do that again, but that's why I really can't, you know?

[low, fingers steady and warm around his]

Saw your hostage. I remember.

To mistrust is natural. She does not think as we do. I do not expect it.

[he debates bringing up dreaming Mora's dream; feeling her strange thought processes as they played out in his head; the bloody mathematics of a youkai's existence alongside Mora's own emotional disastrousness; her teeth blunt in his throat. no, he decides. something simpler.]

Asked her not to kill those on other teams. Do not know if she will renege, should Mint be threatened. But did not think her disagreement false.

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