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[one_note]

[ TEXT | ACTION | IDK FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS ]

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Day 23, a little while after he left the courtyard (THIS IS LATE, IM SORRY I DIED)

[untamedhero]

[there was a lot of fussing that went into this text but he hits send after said fuss.]

i know you said that apologies aren't necessary but it feels a little like it's warranted this time. if you need some space let me know but if you want me to go to you and agree to talk it over later when you're feeling better or whenever you'd like that works too. i want to actually talk about those things with you and i'm sorry i couldn't manage it before.

[one_note]

[there is a delay before he gets an answer, but it's not a terribly long one, all things considered]

No need.

Can try.

[...

Hanguang-Jun is typing...

...is typing...

...typing...

...

he's stopped]

[untamedhero]

[honestly, he's just glad for any response, though the typing and then stopping is nervewracking.]

We can always try. Whenever you like. I'll try. Because I want to. But only if you're up for it. It was a lot just now right? The memory and then Sizhui and everything after? That's why I said if you need time it's okay.

[one_note]

Time will change little.

[untamedhero]

Do you want me to go where you are then?

[one_note]

No preference.

[untamedhero]

[he finds that a bit hard to believe but arguing about it won't help.]

Is this an easier way to communicate?

[one_note]

Sometimes.

[...

he does not want this entire conversation to be done through screens, though; at a distance, impersonal. he relents.]

Where are you?

[untamedhero]

[and there's the relief. he's had much better progress when he's been face-to-face with Lan Wangji so far in this place. the texting helps but it does leave him anxious about not being able to read what small physical cues the other man has.]

Still on the bench. I can go wherever.

[one_note]

No gates, at the edge.

[untamedhero]

A good spot, then. I'll go there.

[he's just gonna be a little bit because he doesn't want to like. BOLT from Sanren but like. it's a near thing.]

[one_note]

[that seems fine. it gives them a little more time to breathe.

when he reaches the edge of the island he can work his way around until he sees white and bright green through a screen of leaves at the outskirts of the garden. he'd be well-hidden otherwise; he's kneeling so still. the view is nice.]

[untamedhero]

[approaches like Lan Wangji is a rabbit that will skitter away if he's too noisy. and then just settles in kneeling next to him. the reality is probably the one feeling skittish is himself and he's already trying to think of what to say.]

--do you always come here?

[thank the gods words just come to him naturally and he asks what's probably a dumb question which is at least natural.]

[one_note]

[inclines his head a little in affirmative; his gaze slid sideways when Wei Wuxian showed up, from the cotton-candy clouds to his face]

[untamedhero]

I've only gone out this far a few times. Didn't really seem like there was much to see. The clouds get in the way of everything. Makes me think about what they might be hiding, things like that.

[he shifts a bit, already unable to keep still in the kneeling position.]

I guess it makes sense that you'd like it out here in that case, right?

[one_note]

It is quiet.

[it's not pointed; he's not trying to make commentary on Wei Wuxian's chatter.]

[untamedhero]

[he doesn't think it is, since Lan Wangji's never really objected to his chatter before--well, not without some kind of physical action to actually make him be quiet.]

Helps you get your thoughts in order?

... talking things out always helped me more with that. Not that that's surprising but, it can help me get different angles on things I might miss. Like...

[and since he can sit still to save his life, his hands are just picking at the threads of his clothes to give him something to focus on that's not fluffy pink.]

Gege aired out some of his frustrations with me for not talking things out properly after I snapped at him a little for trying to run off. I think we got to a better understanding with each other, but it also made it pretty clear that I was probably frustrating you, also. I shouldn't have missed that while it was happening, though.

[one_note]

It is not all you.

[he is trying, trying, trying to pick his limited words carefully, even now, trying not to bring this to a place where Wei Wuxian will leave or say something that sends Lan Wangji himself careening off like he did not an hour ago. he's so still in contrast it is hard to tell he's even breathing]

Nor frustration.

I have been afraid.

[untamedhero]

[his attention was already on Lan Wangji but that has him looking over with a mix of concern and surprise. the game gave away Lan Wangji has a number of fears but it's always surprising to hear him admit to it.]

... the things mentioned in the game? Your memory?

[one_note]

All. And more.

[lying is forbidden, but truth is complicated. distilled down, though, it comes to this: he does not want Wei Wuxian to leave, and he has lost the sure foundation he entered Popdrop with, that regardless of what is happening in the moment, Wei Wuxian will stay without being asked, commanded, restrained. Sanren's casual abandonment of Mint is part of it. Suibian's flippancy is part of it. Gusu is part of it. imposition is part of it. there being two of them makes this a larger and uglier knot.]

[untamedhero]

... will it help any if I explain my fears? Because... gege was saying that it sounded like they all involve you, but that's not it. Not really.

They're not like me being afraid of--of certain animals. It's... more complicated. Even gege doesn't really understand them and I don't blame him because I didn't understand them until this place.

[one_note]

I will listen.

...

Do not think yourself a burden. For having them.

[untamedhero]

It's not really thinking I'm a burden...

[but he trails off, looking out to the clouds and trying to get the words in the right order.]

I don't think I need to go over the one about you and gege coming onto Mint. That one does involve you, and it's a pretty specific scenario. I want to try to focus on the fact that you both made your choices, but I guess I just wish it could have gone better? But then... if you had managed to get me to Lollipop, the situation with Mora might have gotten worse? She's told me before that she wouldn't take my leaving quietly, so maybe it's better this way.

... but it still feels a bit like... the Wens. Trying to maintain that balance and still having--Wen Ning, Wen Qing... taking my place in punishment. It feels a bit like that. It's probably not actually like that at all, since I'm also here and experience the same things, but that's where my mind goes, and that's not really fair to you or gege. It's just my own issues making it worse.

[one_note]

. . .

[his throat feels very tight. he is indeed listening, taking in Wei Wuxian's reasoning, but they are speaking now of things he could only speculate at, a decade and more gone; things he was mostly only present at for the disastrous aftermath. he can only squeeze out three words, at first.]

"Taking your place."

[untamedhero]

It's not the same. Logically, I know that. But when Mora starts pulling her antics on gege, too... when the games end with us dying and likely because of the impression of others because of how things were at the start before you were on Mint... it can start to feel a little like... I'm the one who brought it about. Because you both just wanted to help me get out of the situation I was in.

I don't really know how to fix that fear. So I focus on the fact that you both knowingly made that choice for yourselves. Do what I can to make those moments happen less.